remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
