why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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