At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
