I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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