Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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