two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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