I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We talked him into tasing himself.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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