Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
