just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
