The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
