someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
