Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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