there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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