If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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