i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.