i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.