so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready