you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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