your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
