i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
