the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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