woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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