dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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