Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
