i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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