just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't deserve a penis
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
