I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
