Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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