I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
