i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I could fuck to npr.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
