Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
