I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
At least make sure they are 18
Why
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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