he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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