I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Blood and glitter go together right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
