highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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