Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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I have grass duct taped all over my body
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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