So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
