Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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