Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
