All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
