My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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