You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You have to summon your inner elephant
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
