I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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