Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
