remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
