Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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