the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
