just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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