hotel room ftw
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
