I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
