If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
