You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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