Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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