You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
