peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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