I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
