you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
