He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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