Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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