don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
